My Internal Monologue

I have spent the last month navigating a wave of uncertainty in the wake of a break up and redundancy. The two major life changes left me circling round, looking for a sign to write, but the reality is the term ‘writers block’ bloody well exists. I’ve circled and pondered how and where I could find the inspiration to write this and the lack of inspiration is how I got typing one Tuesday evening.

I remember when my therapist suggested that I should take up the hobby of journaling, not the bullet journal to begin with, but the dear diary kind of writing. When I was given the homework, I realised I had no restrictions and no guidance because the beauty in journaling is that you write what’s exactly in your head. It’s the internal monologue of an unhinged woman navigating a brain swirling with a variety irrational thoughts. I found great joy in just writing what I was feeling and thinking in that exact moment; I didn’t have a criteria maybe because I knew it wasn’t something I needed to have assessed or be signed off. With this in mind, I’m now trying to identify where this sudden block of creativity has come from…

As my finger hit the full stop button I realised that this creativity block comes from a place of perfectionism. My journals have no audience, nobody reading the text to tell me a comma or full stop was in the wrong. You don’t share your diary entries, you keep them to yourself. So, is it, that we write for us and our own self-esteem than our trying to write something we know we’d never read. As you read this, you’re wondering, but Ev you’re writing this now so you can’t be that creatively challenged. The reality is, whether you’re an influencer, consultant or creative you are urged to be consistent, you consistently have to write something to keep your presence around for everyone to see and engagement with.

I also know, that through these deeply challenging times my deepest enemy, my OCD has taken great delight in discouraging me to write whether. My OCD has told me that by publishing I am asking for further trouble; I know as I write this and as you read this you’ll be thinking you’re more un-hinged than we realised. The nature of OCD means that we are at the mercy of this little enemy; my OCD gremlin is a louder voice than the one telling me to embrace and click publish. So, am I blaming the creative block or the fear of posting in case my OCD is right?

I don’t know, if I knew the answer you might have been reading this much earlier than you’re reading it now. The beauty of writing on a public platform is that we can write our own narrative and not be held against someone else. We are writing for the person who wants to find someone who is as unhinged as we are, we are writing to unpack our emotions through the art of language. Yet, so many of us are held by our own perfectionistic enemy, we would rather put it off than just write that internal monologue that we all write on our social media, messages and diary entries.

 I’m pleased you’ve got up to this part because frankly it’s been the hardest piece of blog content that I have ever written. It’s difficult because, there was no plan and real inspiration instead I’m putting it out there that I’m desperately seeking some creative juices to start flowing for your sake and mine.

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  • Hi Evan. It’s good to read your thoughts again. I thought you’d given up on the Cornerstone. You express yourself well , although I would never describe you as unhinged.
    Writing this is the first step to getting those creative juices flowing. I have every faith in you.