Stop saying ‘Sorry to Hear That’ and say this instead

As the clock struck midnight and 2024 was delivered, little did I know that the year would be brought with it a lot of baggage, specifically health. In the space of a couple of months, I was dealt with a break-up, redundancy, unsuccessful job interviews, launching a freelance public relations service while also dealing with a new diagnosis. Fowler’s Syndrome. The diagnosis has felt a lot harder to process than my ME diagnosis – perhaps because I’m catheter dependent until my consultant confirms which surgical option is a better fit for my set of symptoms. Fowler’s syndrome is a rare condition that primarily affects young women, causing an inability to properly empty the bladder due to abnormal relaxation of the urethral sphincter. It is often associated with chronic urinary retention and can lead to significant bladder dysfunction. For most women, self-catheterisation like me, can be impossible because the urethra is highly inflamed and sensitive leaving you dependent on indwelling or suprapubic catheterisation.

Those who know me, will know that as a society we find anything personal or medical very uncomfortable which usually means people use the clichés. When my bladder went into complete retention in April, my messages were full of ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ and if I’m honest the phrase makes my skin crawl. We’ve all heard it—maybe after sharing some unfortunate news, a personal loss, or even a minor frustration. It’s an automatic response, like an emotional reflex that serves its purpose in the barest way possible. But here’s the thing: I absolutely hate it. I’m guilty of using the word ‘sorry within context but I’m beginning to make a conscious effort to internally ask myself ‘is this helpful, would I want to receive this?’ Some might say I’m being a little over the top or even woke to the GB viewers reading this. I sometimes wonder if my internal monologue is plagued with the expression ‘adding value’ and now wants to ensure that every interaction I have with anyone means something to the other person. For me, the express always falls short of sincerity, hanging in the air like a limp handshake. I’ve said in a couple of conversations, ‘why are you sorry you’ve not give me urinary retention’. I always reply using this because it means the person has to acknowledge what they’re using the expression for. I often feel like the expression is very close to the way in which during the pandemic thousands were plastering on their social media feeds ‘we’re all in the same boat’. It’s a simple way of acknowledging the persons experience but wanting to cover it on a surface level.

Before I delve into why “Sorry to hear that” grates on me, let’s acknowledge that, yes, people often don’t know what to say when they’re faced with someone’s hardship. Whether it’s a friend mentioning they’ve had a bad day or someone opening up about a more serious issue, it’s not easy to strike the right tone. So we reach for the low-hanging fruit of platitudes, and boom—“Sorry to hear that” slips out like a pre-recorded message.

But is it comforting? No. Is it meaningful? Absolutely not. Here’s why I take issue with it:

It’s a Cop-Out

“Sorry to hear that” feels like a placeholder for actual empathy. It’s like saying, “I know I should acknowledge what you’re saying, but I don’t have the energy or bandwidth to really engage.” While there’s no expectation for anyone to pour their heart out every time someone shares bad news, we owe it to each other to at least try. If perhaps you’re struggling to have meaningful conversations due to your own pain, perhaps you need to give yourself time to ensure you can present the self you’d want from someone else. It dawned on me while I was in hospital with Urinary Sepsis that for some people, difficult situations their friends and family find themselves in can be really challenging to engage with – perhaps because it’s out of the norm. How many times have you bumped into someone in a supermarket who you might know and they’re perhaps struggling with something? A lot and I wonder if sometimes you try and avoid bumping into them because that’s a much harder conversation to have if you can’t put your everything into a conversation. And that’s ok.

It’s Vague and Detached

The problem with “Sorry to hear that” is its emotional distance. It’s so non-specific that it can apply to anything from a stubbed toe to the loss of a loved one. It’s the conversational equivalent of throwing a penny into a fountain and walking away without making a wish. The phrase tells the listener that you heard what they said, but it offers no depth or genuine concern. So, clearly doesn’t offer any value neither does it want to add value. When someone is going through something tough, they want to feel seen. “Sorry to hear that” does the opposite—it makes them feel like just another statistic in the grand scheme of inconveniences. When I read this, I will often shut back down and go elsewhere because that person is feeling unable to contribute to the pain. And the reality is, we all lead very busy lives which can often means we are all guilty of living in ‘I was gonna’ culture. A culture that prides itself on buy now, pay later, sadly our emotional connections which each other goes beyond the payment terms of our favourite pay no pay later schemes. The listener remains on the side lines, too far removed from the emotion of the situation to offer any real comfort

It Doesn’t Invite Conversation

At its core, “Sorry to hear that” shuts down any meaningful follow-up. The speaker isn’t offering a hand to hold or an ear to listen. They’re closing the conversation, often without realising it. It’s a period when there could be a semicolon—an opportunity to listen, ask questions, or simply offer space for someone to elaborate. As a society, we have wanted to have quick fixes which can be really helpful but for the more challenging emotional issues, we need some value. ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ is a shut down, it’s not a conversation opener. I often say that when someone will try and compare my experience to another person that it invalidates the emotions I’m presenting. ‘Don’t’ cry Ev, because her over the road has no bowel’ but what about my own emotions? How am I managing with these emotions? I understand that most people aren’t trying to be dismissive, and, honestly, some situations don’t require deep conversation. But think of the difference between hearing “Sorry to hear that” and “That sounds really tough—do you want to talk more about it?” The latter opens a door, while the former closes one.

It’s Over-used

It allows a response to be given, how many times have you been guilty in using the WhatsApp reactions than replying because perhaps we’re busy or a reminder that we will answer in more detail at a later stage. “Sorry to hear that” has been used so frequently and so broadly, it’s become devoid of real meaning. It’s a bit like the boy that cried wolf, how many times are we going to answer deep emotional chats with ‘I’m sorry to hear this’? Like a phrase that’s been said too many times, it starts to lose its flavour and impact. After a while, it doesn’t feel comforting or personal; it feels rehearsed. Even when the intention behind the words is good, the overuse dilutes the message.By leaning on a phrase that has all the warmth of an automated voicemail, we’re bypassing real connection. I continue to ask myself, ‘would this add value to me if I read this message?’

What Should We Say Instead?

While I was planning to write this piece, I decided to do some research into some of the alternatives that we could try instead. I’ve even gone out of my way to enhance my ‘sorry’ message through using my own experience to inform my interactions with other people. We are all guilty of reading too much into a situation so I won’t know if a change in approach means anything to my friends or family but here are some alternatives that you might want to use or see how to acknowledge someone’s hardship. I’m hoping these might be slightly more personal and more effective at conveying empathy.

1. “That sounds really hard. How are you feeling about it?” This is a much more empathetic response. Not only does it acknowledge that the situation is tough, but it also invites the person to open up about their feelings. It gives them the space to share more if they want to and shows that you’re genuinely interested in their emotional state.
2. “I’m here for you if you need anything” Sometimes, people just need to know that they have support. Offering your presence, without pushing for more details or answers, can be immensely comforting. It’s a way of saying, “I see you. I care. I’m available.
3. That’s really awful. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this’ This is a more direct and specific version of the generic “sorry to hear that.” By pointing out that the situation is awful, you’re validating their feelings and showing a deeper level of understanding. It’s not just acknowledging the news—they can tell you’re genuinely feeling for them.
4. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here” – Empathy is key, but sometimes admitting you can’t fully understand someone’s pain is more genuine than pretending you do. This phrase shows humility, understanding, and support—all in one.
5. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help right now? Offering practical support—especially when paired with an acknowledgment of their pain—can go a long way. You may not be able to fix the problem, but offering help gives the person agency and a reminder that they’re not alone.

Words matter. They carry weight and meaning, and when someone is vulnerable enough to share their pain, they deserve more than a throwaway phrase. The next time you’re tempted to say “Sorry to hear that,” pause and think about whether you’re really offering comfort or just filling the silence. A little more thought, a little more connection—that’s all we really need to create something meaningful out of our conversations.

So here’s my challenge to you: let’s retire “Sorry to hear that” once and for all, and instead, start saying what we actually mean and actually put ourselves into the shoes of people receiving our messages. After all, the point isn’t just to acknowledge someone’s pain—it’s to help them feel seen, heard, and supported in a world that too often defaults to the bare minimum.